Religion Class, Fall, 2009

The strangest of the strange's eyes. Pure mystery. Do you feel? What's so small in my day? Should I excommunicate it? When the lady at the coffee shop asks me with

l••••••••o•••••n•••••g
pauses
how am I doing? I see tired in the mirror of her eyes, is it her or me? Her night job is piercing artist. Her words, gage 6 in the drums of my ears, please. Wake me up to the real question, and that is "How am I doing?" I take
l••••••••o•••••n•••••g
pauses
as well. To breathe.
Her hands were light, I barely felt them through my skin. I am bleeding. Normal. I smile. A monochromatic type of smile, followed by some nodding "How are you, dear?". She doesn't hesitate, her answer was not automated although she held a Glock to my head and shot me: "as good as only I want to be". Seriously... is it just me or are you all also noticing the message she has just delivered to me?! Was she also a mailman?
Then I gulp down my hot coffee. Shot of reality (stop overthinking). A brownish stream of artificial sugar mingled with (can you just drink your coffee??!) soy that is transformed into milk (oh my God, this is FASCINATING) swimming in my stomach?
Remember when I put 5 packs of sweetener in your coffee and you nearly spitted the whole thing at me? But you contained yourself (I need to contain myself). I had that jacket on that you love and you praise my looks a lot. You would never dare to stain my clothes. You become what you look like, no shit your eyeliner always looked perfect. Take me for a ride? You're an excellent rider. You pull back on the reins of intensity and shift your weight to the back of the saddle so we can both just be.
The smell of coffee with soy milk invaded my nostrils (another hit of reality), like some Mexican bastard trying to break into the border. I don't know Mexican boy if I can let you in. I'm Argentinean, I know I should, I understand how decadent you are, but I know nothing of brotherhood. I was the only child. Plus, my remote French descent despises your lack of refinement.
A kid is swinging her feet across from me. Kids always want to know and kids always ask why but they never overthink. When I was a kid there was no overthinking about how coffee smelled like. My mom made me the best coffee yeah, my underdeveloped childhood was great. I went to bed craving to wake up and have that coffee in the morning with bacon and eggs I don't know why I love so much when the train is rocking left and right, left and right. I don't know why my mom stopped making such good coffee. I don't know why she always left me 4 or 5 extras packs of sweetener (did she think I grew bitter?). Incredible, there used to be an appetite for breakfast living in my belly. Nowadays I can't take much more than just coffee. Abortion of appetite.

STOP.

The train is pregnant of me.
I need to be born.
Was I ready for it?
Would it love me?
Would it just abort me...?
People in the waiting room might just leave. This labor has been lingering. I haven't worn a watch for years and years but I understand time. Whenever I dare to look at the clock it challenges me with peculiar times like 10:10 or 5:05 or 3:33, 7:07... numbers are so cold but these ones grinned at me. They wanted to fuck with me, that's for sure. I always miss 11:11 though. That was her favorite time. And I always missed it. Guess it means I will always miss her. I have always missed her.
You tell me again, what's so small in my life? Should I excommunicate it?!

Would you?
Ignore God?
You believe in something big. I believe in the small and I'm his biggest devotee.

[Untitled]


Upside down words
bleed perfectly from pen to paper,
pulsate in the
brain of my heart
signals of
interconnectedness
between your lips
and mine:

I just ran out of ink, girl,
I need some inspiration!

You blew smoke
in my mouth,
it made home
my lungs,
it stole my oxygen,
and you were scientifically
allowed to do so.

You insisted I
x-ray,
I have no problems with
nakedness
when it's your skin
blending into mine.

I mentally write with my right,
I think with my left,
you tell me now
if love ain't ambidextrous?

You had to agree with me,
nodding.

Your silent words twisted
around the earlobes
of my fears.
Mine tingling
the bellybutton of
your certainties...

Who would have thought
we'd ever use more than
8% of the brain in our hearts!?

Trust


Please,
fuck me poem!
Ah,
flipped first verse
of liquid metaphors
in the velveteen
of my skin,

be gentle and firm
when crashing
second verse
of all symbology,
two does better than one
into
me

I'm nailing you across
lines of your third
envoy,
leaving marks on your soil,
you don't gotta worry,
I always find my way
back
to you,

morph
from adagio
to a crescendo,

make me (your) arching mistress,
the maestro of (your) rhythm,
I conduct a whole orchestra
screaming from the feet of
(your) letters
to the phrases of
(your) lips,
you uh mmhmm and huh huh me,
as if you were the author
and not the character.

I'll be the author,
you'll be the character,
I'll be the character,
you'll be the author.

And that's how
poetry is made.

Stand Clear of the Closing Doors


The ambience
is muted,
the vision is
perplexed,
there is no
blinking
on this rocking train.

It does it feather-softly,
it dances a
false
valse,
and I remain,
muted,
perplexed,
unblinked.

Lead my way blinding trust...

Bring me my voice
fuckin' falsetto.

A piano in the
background
where you have
neither my
back nor my
g r o u n d.

A childish melody,
solo piece,
a frustrated
symphony
from finger-long hands.
And that's all you have:
long fingers,
lack of talent.

On the rocking train
we forget
and fall asleep on
one another
(so against the rules).

A blink from me
and you're gone
(just following the rules).

Prozaic Poetry

[Yes, prozaic with "z" ;)]


Why do I keep
coming to these
open mic poetry nights thing?

It's pathetic
how lonely my poems
feel laying down on the
yellowish ruled pages of my Moleskine.

It's just pathetic
how the ink wants
to bleed its way out
of these
yellowish ruled pages of my Moleskine.

Is it really just
my poetry,
product of the void
eating my little humanity alive?
Or is it its author
laying bare naked
on top of these
cold lines from the
yellowish ruled pages of my Moleskine?

Do you really
want to know
why
I keep
coming to these
open mic poetry nights thing?
Dear?
God?

You know how people
go to bars, get a little drunk,
expect a beautiful, tall,
blond, blue-eyed, intelligent,
complex but not complicated,
very affectionate,
wild but not crazy girl,
between the age of
24 and 30,
preferably Aries, Aquarius,
Leo or Sagittarius
to sit next to them,
be in the same wavelength,
talk, laugh, challenge,
perhaps slightly touch,
pretend that it's too loud,
she can't hear them, so she
has to get closer.
And all of this in the
amount of time it takes you
to finish your favorite drink?

Well, that's what I do at
open mic poetry nights thing.

I drink poetry,
I get girls drunk
with my poems,
I talk, I make them laugh,
I challenge them,
I touch them, and it's not
just slightly touch.
I pretend like nobody else does
that it's-too-loud-I-can't-hear-you deal,
so I have
to get closer, I have to
make them feel the warm
air coming out of my
poetic mouth:

I take them home,
I make love, this is why
I'm a poet;
they fuck, this is why
they are just girls.
I feel metaphors
crawling up and down my
spine, there are rhymes
coming in, coming out,
in and out.
In. Out.

Beautiful.

The last stanza
and the climax.

That's what I tell myself.
That it was poetic...
how I turned the lamp off,
how all that remained was
the dull light of a cheap neon
sign reflected on my window.

And you dare to fuckin'
ask me why I keep coming to these
open mic poetry nights thing??
You fuckin' heartless prick,
I keep coming back
because I have not yet found love.

Sometimes Stop, Sometimes Go



[Design inspired by this song by Ms. John Soda and poem inspired by El Perro del Mar]

Don't try
to guess
the way
your eyelash
lands
on the hills
and cliffs
of the moment
when your eyes
are shut
and you're about
to blow it away.

Don't guess
the way
this lotus found
its way
through seaweed and then
relief in my
reef.

Don't guess
the way...
Don't guess the way...

The Prophet and the General


When I chose
belief
you went for
ignorance.

[Title in the End]

I looked at her.
I wanted to listen
and then kiss her,
dive into those
unknown, perhaps
bitter-sweet lips
for she wore
cigarettes ashes
as lipstick
and loved whiskey!
And overall I guess
she's been through a lot;
still I see through her,
her warmth was undeniable
so I just listened.
I knew she was almost
as messy as her hair,
I loooove her hair by the way,
but I certainly did not love her.
I've known her for precisely
full 10 minutes,
time enough to say
I want to see her again
if her words are not
just words but poetry,
if her eyes look into mine
and not everywhere else,
if she just shuts up
and asks me questions
I don't expect, well, at this
point, if she just asks me
any questions at all
(people rarely ask me
anything worth answering).
One hour later
I still want to kiss her,
I guess that means
I'll have to see her again,
to listen.

- The Brewer

[Title in the End]

Exhaustion:

I am in a sauna

of sheer dissapointments,

I'm sweating off

these ridiculous

patterns,

you're complicated?

Really girl, I'll pass.

I like complex,

not complicated.

Equations are fine,

how you deal with

them is (a)pathetic.

I'm wiping off

what seems to be

endless drops,

droping them off

I am,

wiping off

drops of need,

I don't need you,

I never did, I just

chose to have you here,

now leave the door

open

as you leave,

there's much,

much more

to be let into me.

I squeeze

out of my pores,

they spit

out pus zits and

dust-black acnes once

incrusted in my skin,

and I won't allow

any other product

to ever touch my face,

any other lotion

to ever melt into my body,

I swore it before,

like that actress

in that commercial,

now i'm swearing it

as if I was marrying it:

no produce from

a poster girl

to ever touch me.


- The Brewer

Yoga Class, Fall 2009


Candles and incense,
my fears sink
into your mat,
wind and breath,
my balance is found
on the arch of your back.

Our chests grow

high and low,
it's inevitable
to do child's pose.

Stretching
emotions thin,
a drop
of sweat within,
embrace
cushion-heart
in warrior I and II
it's like we already knew.

Lighter and
heavier,
faster than
slower,
so slow it's
fast,
the smoke
of sage
is so vast
it intertwines
the gaps
of our bodies.
We rest,
we reach
Savasana.

History Class, Fall, 2009



Detour of energy:
everything was a mere
c o i n c i d e n c e .

From poetry to prose
in one verse.

When spontaneity
was brought to
psychoanalysis.

Void.
Expiration date.
Check.
Double check.
Triple check.

Dialogues turned into
m o n o l o g u e s,
the time ticking analog
seconds of complete
non-recyclable waste.

As ties break
we're here
to gather, not
t o g h e t h e r;
to gather our old
selves again,
to wear the same
yellowed-stained shirt,
and to be
exactly what we were
before, what we have
always been.

Humanity is fucking brilliant.

Swimming Class, Fall, 2009


I sank

into my own
water of thoughts.

She,
right,
my leg,
lifted up,
pulled me up,
on the kitchen
sink,
unbuttoned
my fears,
unzipped
that bit
of reluctance
in me,
scratched paths
I had not yet crossed
and dared to look
me in the eyes.

On the kitchen
sink:
the night I learned
how to swim.

The Investors



Blunt
pierces
more barbaric
than sharp
and that's
your card

you roll
cater-trey deice
my face in
polyhedral shapes

the predictability
is high

I bet
you bet

How many chips
are we willing
to spend?

Emotionlessness
to sustain
this call:

turn the cards over!

Diamond



Waves lips
and and
sheets hands

Our particles
liquefy
(one)
yet
these atoms
duo-diamond-solid.

The Linguists

We speak
"when we..."
instead of
"if we..."

conditional
adverb

My pronoun
ad
your pronoun
slip of the
tongue
on that possessive

the book of
grammar?
Skipped!

The semantics of
the verb
"to be"

We speak
"are"
we speak
"is"
as intransitive.

masterpiece

The oil
of my fingerbrush tips
pure chemistry
across
your canvas
your texture
my eyes
blind
and then
we do it:
our painting.

inevitability part 2

When does
love stop?

It never
stops.
It becomes
something else.

inevitability

my trampoline, fear.

Sanitized emotions?

I pass.

.Deja.vu.

Now I'm gonna

perform

and pretend you're
sitting on the
first row
and I'll declaim something

only you

and I
would get
'cause you
were there
when I was

conceived

you were part of the
creative process

And the lights would go off
the sound of the mic
fading away
into low keys
of an old organ

we were in
silence

the scene was
rouge
the fabric
the floor...
And then silhouettes

approaching one another
infusing
into one another
weldingengraving
into
one

.Silence.
.Still.
.Moving. Changing

Sublime

My trampoline:
fear.

8

When does
love stop?

It never
stops
it becomes
something else.

Freya

My poems
in
between
hers

lack in punctuation
the rhythm
we
create

is new
everytime

EXI[S]T

Pouring of
her selves,
my skin
overflows
infusion of
potential tea leaves
(dear Buddha…)

veins tingle
at the near touch
[in]experience
(grant me thy posture)

Eyes followers,
You
&
Me
leading
the army
somewhere.

My Choice

My pattern:
to break
other people's patterns,
and by doing so
I cannot
break
my own.

Caught Off Guard

Thoughts traipse,
collision of
our
parallels.

Admit it.

You were
thinking of me.

Weekly Budget

42 hours of my week
sleep,
approximately 21 hours of my week
catching the E,
30 hours of my week
too messy to think,
33 hours of my week
I am a machine,
42 hours of my week
what I was born to be:
steam.

Waiting

The bench:
I sit
Memories of her
my blood,
her absence
Why I sit
on this bench
alone.

Cigarettes tips,
smile,
I hate them,
smile,
smile,
lipstick of ashes,
Rooibos,
I kiss the floor,
on the Bench,
still,
on the Bench.

Libra and Sagittarius

Sweet deluge
of heart beats
(arrhythmic)

Melting of masks
but wearing hoods
(asymmetric)

Cigarettes left aside,
the only thing burning,
those eyes can’t lie
(atemporal)

Everyone left,
She stayed
(what does it mean?)

Couple In Love

They hold hands,
they stare
at 1 (one) another
“what…”,
they smile,
“what…”

The Lotus

Attraction
Involuntary
Contraction

Vulnerability
Human
Emotions

Trust
Nakedness
of Soul

Trust
Time
to Unfold

Friendship
The most of the Worst
The most of the Best

L.O.V.E
the Lasting Ovulating Vast Energy
the Lingo of Omniscience Vital Energy
the Language of Ovulating Vital Energy
the Lasting Oceanic Vibration of Energy
the Language of Occult Vibration of Energy
the Liquid of Oily Veins of Energy
the Liquid Orienting Veins of Energy
the Liquid Outgrowing Vines of Energy
the Liberating Option of Vitality and Energy
the Lasting Omnifying Vocabulary to Express...

Communication


Accidentally
accommodated
next to me
her hand
is acupuncture:
she strokes my arm
but I feel it in my heart,
some sort of natural
flow of silence,
the one that speaks
for itself,
the unsaid that feels
more than said,
the stage of just
Being.

About Synchronicities and Patterns

I am still trying to decipher the logic of patterns in my life, and in conjunction, how to interpret the synchronicities flying before my eyes. At the present moment I am obsessing over why 19 out of 20 times that I am walking to work the light to cross to the other side of Columbus Avenue, where I eventually have to go to, is simply not green.
Due to that impertinent light I am forced to walk straight up for another block, which, FINE, it’s still OK and it’s still on my way, but it bothers me, why, WHY can’t I just cross first and then walk that other block?
So I decided to carefully observe every single thing on that side of the block. Oh my God, I was just completely blown away by so many things that there were in that 264 x 1056 square block! Maybe I was meant to trip on a one million dollar check!
Thus I spent a couple of days scanning the ground in search for my fortunate treasure. I gave up on it when I started tripping too much on absolutely nothing, because obviously I’m not used to walking like some sort of famished dog sniffing every bit of the ground in hope to find some leftovers.
Then I thought maybe I was meant to find my soul mate! Yeah… so I embodied the seductress huntress persona and threw as many fatale gazes as I could into every person’s eyes (well, not really every person… oddly enough they seemed to range between age 24 and 30 and be either tall, blond with blue or green eyes or medium-height black-haired sexy, hot, beautiful women. But that’s just a coincidence!).
Some smiled back, some were highly disturbed by my look. I don’t blame them, I mean, I was staring at them like when you’re expecting someone to tell you something you know? “So… what’s up…? [looooong pause] Are you gonna reveal yourself as my soul mate now or what?”.
Anyways, back to all this being just a coincidence, the question that pops up to my head is whether everything happens for a reason or if there are some things that just happen. If there are things that just happen randomly then I surely believe in coincidences, which I am sure I don’t. I know it’s not in my power to explain everything and find all these why’s, but random? I don’t buy it.
Having this issue solved, let’s talk about synchronicities. For instance, my subconscious screamed “hot, tall, blonde, medium-height, black-haired, beautiful, foxy ladies, pleeeeaseeeee!” therefore alluring the energies that read those characteristics to my welcoming lap.
It would be possible though to perhaps have ran into a fat, bald, old lady whose energy really felt and believed that it contained the points I sought, as well as it would be possible that a strikingly beautiful woman passed by me unknown, for maybe she was deeply feeling unsexy and unwanted.
Well, still to this day I have not yet found my soul mate. So I tried thousands of other different approaches in order to find anything meaningful enough to explain to me why the universe prevented me from crossing. Maybe I’d die if crossed! That sounded like a logical explanation. I have always envisioned myself dying in a car and I was definitely not ready to die, so yeah… it made sense… sort of.
It still remains a mystery to me this particular pattern of non-crossing, but I have not yet given up trying to understand where the synchronicities are taking me. It is fascinating and exciting.
The reason why I don’t stop trying to analyze them is because I refuse the idea of fatalism. Being said so, I believe I contribute in part to the control on how things unfold in my life. It is up to the universe, true, but it is also up to me.
Sometimes, aren’t you in a situation where you really, really wanted something and then the very opposite just happened? And years later you look back and you’re like “fuck yeah, thank God I didn’t hook up with that crazy dude. He’s in jail now for murder” or something? Believe me, NOT a coincidence.
And how about when you finally find someone incredible, and awesome and you both decide to be into a relationship and then bang! Bang!: all these hot ladies come flying at you, calling you, all of a sudden! Telling you how much they want to “hang out” and shit… So intriguing… yes, but this is story for another chapter.

Hedonists

She told me she thought she was always missing out on things and I told her I'm always thinking about how much I gain. And that was the main difference between us.

Relationship with Patient #28: TERMINATED

She had a good heart, but she had arrhythmia.

Dans ma Lumiére: The Sentinel

Watching the people who pass by. Sitting on any given random wood seat. What’s the purpose? Of the wood you mean? Or the any given seat? Or the figures of that that is endlessly passing, passing. Everything is always passing, she’s always watching. The Tower. She saw the crippled man move her favorite chess piece.
It was time to make a move. Standing up, crossing the street to the nearest gas station. Ethereal.
Corroded wood door: already open. They say a human being needs approximately 30m². I don’t know. Maybe. Need. That’s the minimum you would need in order to feel that uncomforted zone but still manage it. The toilet was big enough to turn fingers into weapons of a chirurgical precision and her thoughts, the puke. They fit nice. The herd tormenting fits nice. And as it builds up to a crescendo, fingers are like bows gridding against ran down strings of hope and faithlessness. Someone call a luthier.
Flush it down. Gulp down the rest of air left in what’s left of your lungs and watch it all go again. Down. It’s a downwards spiral. I start off from a central point and in a progressive progression I get myself farther and farther away while still revolving around it…
Sounds familiar? You wannabe helix!
The adrenaline inebriated motion. Inebriated emotion. But her moments never seemed to be this perpetual before. It is even etymologically incorrect to call them moments. Self-deception. Self-decapitation.
She reached through her pocket. Time to become the Sentinel. As swallowing it the prayer of the day:
extreme thirst, urinating more or less than usual; weakness, fever, feeling restless or confused, eye pain and vision problems; restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck; pain, cold feeling, or discoloration in your fingers or toes; feeling light-headed, fainting, slow heart rate; hallucinations, seizure (blackout or convulsions); fever with muscle stiffness, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats; or early signs of lithium toxicity, such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, drowsiness, muscle weakness, tremor, lack of coordination, blurred vision, or ringing in your ears.
Less serious side effects:
mild tremor of the hands; weakness, lack of coordination; mild nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, stomach pain or upset; thinning or drying of the hair; or itching skin.
There she was. Observing her being from outside. Watching. What's the purpose?

Raffaella Ciavatta

From a steamy window
I watch
singular couples
open & close their mouths.
To eat.

I hear what they say:
the clinking of silverware.
I feel what they feel:
medium rare emotions.









I wish I were 30:
the age I dream I'll
be a successful artist
to the rest of the world
(and to myself),
I will have my own
apartment, actually
it will be the era I will
use our more than anything.
So our apartment.
I would definitely love
to share my space
with my soul mate.

Sharing is one of
my many qualities:
hey, would you like some gum?
would like some of my dish?
Do you want to borrow this book?
Of course I can share my time with you!
My heart? Yes, I'll share that!
My mind? Yes! I'm getting excited here!
My soul? Without hesitation!
My whole being? Yes, yes, yes!

And all that to whom?
To broad, high-definition,
high-speed connections
we eagerly make
on a subway rides and
dare to call them connections?
Are you fucking kidding me?

But hey, by the time I'm 30,
I will have known better.
I will not connect on subways.

That means today I have
approximately 4 years and
2 months
to 1 be as famous as Picasso,
2 meet a woman who will first
be my friend then will magically
become the most amazing lover
I’ve ever had and right before
I turn 30 will use our like never before.

All of that in 4 years and 2 months.

When Doing Things, Just DO Them

Cried, I would have,
Put my armor to rest,
I would have,
Taken her hands to my darkness,
I would have,
Written a thousand more poems,
I would have.

Enough of poetry.
Cut this crap.

Friendship is not a capsule dear,
you can't just gulp it down
whenever you please,
but if you choose to
make sure I'm at least your
3,4 methylenedioxymethamphetamine.

And love can't alone
communicate,
but if you choose to
let it do so
make sure you know
all that you are to me
is nothing but
a pump to my ego.

Inner Self

I wish I could explain more the person I was, but I'd rather reveal myself if you ask.

10/25/04

I’ll Never Be What You Want Me To Be, But I Promise To Be Myself If You Let Me Be With You.

It’s always fall fall fall
fall fall and it all!
The strobe blinks
in the place of my eyes.

P A R A N O I A

--------Love is a bloodstain.
--------Passion is an infatuation.
--------Friendship is a constant learning.
Can’t we have them all?

P A U S E

A girl is simply a girl.

B E A U T Y

Why do you deny your own
being?
Call me hedonistic, bohemian…
I’m free to wander…

P R U R I E N C Y

Your innocent smile,
Your confusion,
You know I’m
Empty
but so beautiful,
You’ll want more, more,
I’m endlessly giving.

M O A N S

I’ll leave as quickly
as I came in, so
I’ll come back just
as soon.

N O T H I N G

Your tears in vain
water not my absence
but the person you
wish I were.

Past In Present

I saved them all.
The text messages
(like I could read your
mind at anytime),
The posts on the internet
(I screamed to the world
how much I loved you),
The pictures
(we captured moments so well
they felt like non-moments),
The phone bills
(I loved to see your name
next to mine
in such formal documents).

Your kisses?
They mingle with everyone else’s,
Your touch?
I don’t know, but this girl’s feels good,
Your voice?
I met way better singers than you,
Your writing?
I am too busy with my own,

Yeah,
I saved them all…
And now I need to save myself.

Inner Self

Monologue

The boy, already confused in excess dared to ask him. No, not really. Alright, it is really necessary to ask:
- I don’t know how to live… I am afraid, too much confusion, too many choices, up’s and down’s. I always choose that that exists to crumble.
The old man smiled sideways, raised his eyebrows. He let a small laughter slip, like everything was way too obvious for him, way too clear, overcolored and perhaps he found his childish way of expressing things too simplified and lacking in better grammatical construction.
- Son, you live this way for you live in the past. The past is, for the most part, the only moment in time we know, and this is why we never free ourselves from it. We let it tame us. The past you see, if you fail you fail not in a new mistake, but in the same one. Past/ prison/patterns.
He paused.
The boys’ phone wouldn’t stop vibrating. Work, it must be work. He would never leave unless it was a matter of life and death. He thought more death in this case.
When it stopped the old man carried on.
- How can you dare deny something that you yet don’t know, presupposing that it will thus fail? Simple. Because automatically you transform everything in past, therefore you already know the end. However, young man, life is bigger than present, past and future. The glory is found in empiricism, not in passivism or nihilism. When regretting, regret that which you did not do, rather than that you did. Not because you are justifying things in your head, but in order to gain a different perspective of your mistakes. Regret, for example, not having said “yes” to that which you really regret, rather than saying you regret saying “yes”. The future, just like the present and past, is dubious, it’s uncertain, even those things we already know is unknown in its totality.
He made some tricks with his can and swung it from one side to the other.
The boy looked confused but asked him anyways.
- Are you happy?
The old man seemed unhappy with his question.
- Happy? I am a pendulum boy.
The stroke of mid-day. The elder stood up from the seat he was, across from our character’s side, and walked away. The unemployed boy whose Zodiac was Libra remained perplexed on the amount of projections he made in the universe. The phone vibrating again, his dealer was the only person who could really help him deal with everything around him. It’s too much.

Inner Self

11/20/04

To/The End

Staring at the smoke dissolving through the air everything, in a paused way, makes perfect sense - laisse-moi tempêter -. No cigarettes to fulfill this void. No words from the rest to change a thing. It seems it’s not changing. It’s getting worst, of course, evolving. Not for me. I’m that who chooses not to live a lie, it’s either to jump or to turn my back. Illusions. Maybe that’s what everything is for you. My reality is just as raw as the drags I take.
I closed the door and turned away.

Inner Self

This is one of the poems I actually dreamed about. I dreamed of Baudelaire and him and I collaborated in the piece that follows. When I woke up, oddly enough I had memorized the whole poem.

11/25/04

Lost? Very much found, merci

To find South
without losing North…
comment, comment
je fait a trouver?
Around paranoia,
around spasms…!
Yeah, all of this
is sort of spamic.

Mas você escolheu o jeito fácil,
Então, hey menininha, não chore.

Troublesome is how
you fully believe in
the little stories you tell, how
you’re never the one to blame.
Admit it, not even yourself
know how you feel.

Mais, c’est la manie.

So I have to write
in hollow verses how
we didn’t try, how
we didn’t realize, how
it wouldn’t do, how nothing.

É, não há grande plano,
benzinho,
É do jeito que tem de ser.

Just because I know, I know…

Inner Self

[This was more of a song than a poem, but I obviously don't remember the rhythm to it]
11/30/04


Golden Memories of Past and Future

I wish I were with that
whose sweet verses
I have all in my mind
waiting to be recited,
to make me weak on the
knees, to whom I would
send stupid love songs...
that would make only sense
to me and her.

I search myself in everyone,
I’m empty like that, you see,
I’d show you the world and all
the beauty you possessed, if
you could only believe...

It doesn’t matter,
it doesn’t mean anything,
at all.

Choices are my doom, I always
fall into mistakes, I’m never
afraid to run, I need you to
hold me down, say I cannot leave.

But it’s all in my mind,
all in my fucked up little world,
it will never happen.
Do you think I can have back
the chance that exists only in my head?

Inner Self

Part of
Promises


I thought of myself as
capable of such.
Vows, never.
Commitments, partial.

It seems I’m only in part,
they restrain me.
I cannot see completeness.
How shall I reach it and
still, still be myself?

I promise to be myself.
No, even on that one I have
failed before ...

Inner Self

12/19/04

Untitled – Author with No Name

Depression,
not only visual,
depression like
the gradual erosion
of my being…

What being, after all?

To live = to die
and not the other way around.

Anti-social,
I can’t stand
I cant stand

I can’t
be a column

I cry, cry
and the

r
e
a
s
o
n

so much like this…
far from being
understood.

Your absence,
the riverbed hammering
of “you let me go”
when I ran.
It pecks me like
the eternal crow of Prometheus.

Inner Self

[Sequence of parts of me which are mostly like "dark" secrets, but that I am now leaving open to interpretation]

12/23/04

Maybe
what you really should do
is stick up to your own prison...
My little girl... I’m
about to leave you
for I am merely that who carries the
undying candle
and
deliveries it to your door
but always ought to walk away...
Empty- handed
diminished in spirit and
enhanced in soul...
For what I once had is now yours, my dear!

I walk like a book
my end
my middle
and my beginning already known.

In hope to find another
candle bearer I must wander
on my own.
All these girls… none walk with me.

Inner Self

[As you can see from the date, it is an old poem, however, dealing with ghosts that still haunt me.]

12/29/04

I don’t feel that
man-screaming-in-the-open-field
hatred when I think of her: loneliness.
he screams and the piercing freedom flies,
I
scream and lose myself in
w
a
l
l
s
of her, again.

it’s like the guava fruit fly,
it’s born inside her, it’s part of her.
it is in her like an ingrown nail that
will never,
ever
be removed.

so I used to brag myself,
thinking that she was
what I most wanted,
I was as comfortable as
a cloud couch
from which I fell, from up there I fell.

and by only desiring her
I let not that others touched me,
I became the most ethereal rock
I ever met,

go figure…

truth is this is my eternal daymare,
reason why I am not scared.

to hell with people-around-me
loneliness,
I want only the Raffaella
loneliness.

help me not to run away anymore?

First Time I wasn't the Poet

She said: when I make love to you it's like I'm looking into death's eyes and then you just make me live again.

The Journey

The Shaman lady said: "if you raise your hands above in the air, it becomes breeze, then wind blowing her spirit to the tips of your fingers. You feel it like swirls around you, like sun rays in the middle of the night. If you close your eyes then, that same wind will travel and find her skin to lay on, if you just close your eyes, there is no way she won't feel you too."

Anticipation


My hand struggles
between fist and
being open.

She's so present
that my hands are
just wanna-be fists,
I cannot
grasp.

Their palms just
naturally tend to face up,
as if anticipating
that her hands are
going to land onto mine.

And how they do!

Choice

And her mind was just like an office: in order to make a decision she had to get marketing's approval, accounting's go-ahead, HR's opinion and IT's last minute reconsideration on the matter.

Epistola

Clarice, it’s either too clear for me or not clear at all. There are days in which I wake up feeling like I have reincarnated. I think “fuck, this is not my life, this is not my job, these are not my feelings”… but they are, aren’t them?
Giacomo, the joy of faith pierces me with its sharp sounds and leaves me to die today, just to resuscitate me tomorrow. Here I appear, in front of thee, wonderful world. Hell.
Woolf, there’s a bestiality in me I keep shackled in my veins, I twitch them, I smile, I watch them throb, I dig my very cave and no one knows, but our thoughts are our greatest gift and curse.
William, let me find the will to keep on flying to be ignorant when desperate, for only sheer ignorance can make me hope for the best, only it can make me calm down, open my sacred book on Psalm 91 and actually feel those words giving me strength. Dare I say, o Ignorance, you make me praise the Lord!
Dear Søren, the emptiness of your “O” has always fascinated me. I look down to my bellybutton, I swear, I tried innumerous times to press it and have myself turned on “happy mode” on “rich mode” on “goal achieved mode”, but there are more buttons in life, in empty “O”s waiting to become the “O” of the Latin alphabet.
Whoever, I wish I were speaking to God.

[Title in the End]

She cut pieces of memories:

Geometric shapes bleeding,

Laughing, feeling, thinking

And wired them together

Into a vest I wore.


These moments of her life

Were to me unknown but

I put them on anyways:

I felt photographs

As much as I felt

Her breath heavy in my mouth.


So we danced like nobody

Could tell how connected

We are

And I spun past, present and future

In endless ballerina's spinnings.

So we sat down on the floor

Like nobody could tell our similar tastes

And I dove into her voice

About stories of each little piece

Now in me hanging.

So she took it off me

Like nobody could tell

We are in

Love

And I understood her better:

We both got naked

(And I wasn't scared).


- The Fashion Designer

The stranger, the difference he made, he will never know

The man in the subway
smiled at me:
he knew my smile was
safe and serene,
he thought I was whole
and upright,
and just because he thought so
I started believing in it too.

Choice

At the restaurant she said she's afraid of missing out on things: she wants everything at the same time, I told her
"well, try eating rice and beans with sashimi and hamburger all the same time. Bet your favorite dishes taste delicious now, huh?"

Love Poem


The day transgresses
in a turtle pace
with a monotone
and automatic beat
to it
(could that possibly
be my heart?)

I’m moving but
I’m frozen,
I’m speaking now
but all this speech
could just be a recording
(I love fooling people,
especially myself)

I miss you, I miss you
so much…
I’m colorblind
and pale without you,
my dear poetry.

Love Poem


I write to self-punish,
I don't write to self-punish,
when I work out,
I make sure my body aches,
aches until I can feel
self-punishments
of fat, bone,
muscles and sweat.

When I eat, every bite's
a calorie counted
and when I swallow
ingredients are well known,
when my stomach is empty,
its growl is my self-punishment
of how little I have grown.

The books I read, self-punishment
for ignorance,
my openness, self-punishment
for years of reclusion,
my love, self-punishment for my
lack of
self
love;

the girls I date, self-punishment for
loneliness,
the guys I date, self-punishment for
the indifferent and playful girls I date,
sex, self-punishment for making love,
making love, self-punishment
for being skeptical
(and why do I always prove myself wrong?)

drugs, self-punishment for being
way too sober,
music, self-punishment to silence,

loving you, just another self-punishment.

Poets and All

What is it that
inspires us to keep
doing it?
A genuinely
depressed look on that
Hispanic lady’s eyes on the subway?
That 2000-calorie
sub still swimming
somewhere across your butt
and your thick thighs?
No, it got to be that
phrase you read on a silly
high school book, so stupid
and non-sense because all of the kids
burst into laughter…
(well, all except you)

Or perhaps it’s just
that superiority feeling of
being an omniscient
narrator, sort of untouched
and sort of part of it all
but hey, not really.

Why is it that we still
keep doing it?

Seriously, we must be
addicted to it, otherwise
we wouldn’t do it,
for when we do it
(which is basically all the time)
we do it with fire,
with fist and spit,
we cling our jaws
and bite our teeth!

There is no other way we would know how.

Dialogues to Have when You're Letting the Dishes Dry

There are four things I expect out of any relationship. Four? I thought you were going to come up with a 3-thing definition, since 3 is your favorite number. Yeah, that's what I had come up with long ago, for the sake that 3 was my thing, therefore it would have to be 3. But recently, I have to be honest and tell you that I loved being surprised by this even number instead: I surrendered to the new, to the break of patterns and standards, which honestly made me feel very uneasy, as if I had betrayed number 3 I guess... yeah. But then, since I had applied the basic 3 elements that I thought were important, 3 did not feel left out, it was actually very happy when it realized that the addition of another number was going to be beneficial and important for our growth, for us both. Yeah, I mean, 3 knew for sure you are not a heartless bitch who wants to fuck with it so its feelings remained untouched. Did yours too? Yes, of course. And here's where the final element comes to tie together all other 3, for without this last one, I'm just going to be what I have been all my existence: a beautiful and awesome woman, the sweetest woman I have ever met in my entire life, the woman who changed my life! And then that but comes into scene... and I'm tired of buts. Very, very tired. So, here they are: Honesty, Loyalty, Communication and Reciprocity. Was reciprocity the new element? Yes. How can you even start anything without reciprocity? I guess I believe people eventually will balance things out, realize that when you walk hand to hand instead of in front or behind, things become so much more solid and everlasting. But there's a very weird need of being the submissive (always being taken care of) or being the dominant (always taking care of) one. And it's easy to play that role when you feel the other 3 elements are there because reciprocity is so implicit and way too obvious that you tend to forget about it.


Well, I'm never ever going to forget about it again.

Dialogues to Have when You're Doing the Dishes


I don’t really like to write love poems, neither to perform them. She looked at me and smiled. What? I laughed, that nervous kind of laughter you know? Nothing, I just feel all the poems you write are about love.

I felt so naked and defenseless, no wonder why I don’t like love poems.

Cosmic Gate



Oh my God,

everything is so warm:

from my eyes drops of beauty,

I cry beauty,

from my eyes splash of beauty,

from my eyes... I water beauty

moistening my face,

I was my own drops of beauty,

those rolling down my cheeks,

joy and beauty washing down

the cracked skin of my cheeks,

lotuses float on my lake,

there's a small cherry tree above me,

the yellow flower, one on my ear, three

thousand of them by my feet,

I want to lay down on that field of

peace, let me, let me hold your hand

my lemon grass-sage lady, my muse,

my man, my brother, my teacher and student,

my inspiration, the reverberating beat

of my soul.

Synchronicities



We called in sick:
lovesick.
Coffee, 24 hours awake
and counting!
elegant retro bike
found in the trash,
hold my hand,
grab my waist
we're riding to the sand
where our feet touch
the ocean where the
clouds are our shelter
but forget the umbrella
for the rain is coming
slowly, then showers of
alignment with the
universe
and thunderstorm alluring
us to the nakedness
of skinny-dipping,
oh, Govinda, I see
my heart
serene and fast
out of my chest
she holds it dearly.

The sun set behind
the transparent clouds:
it is clear what we are.

Emotional Splatters



Fingertips explode
in splatter of orange
then in yellow-sun then
in electric blue
as they run across
my lower back
(my lover's back)
and back to the top
of my steep neck,
the sheets white
then patterns of
gold and brown mandalas
spread all over them
when I roll over her,
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

splatter splatter
shapes blinking squares
of emotional swirls...

ahhhhhhhh!

How our cells burst into
powder of love and the
dust of energy dissipates
in the air and mingles
with jasmine incense,
our rhythmic
sweat,
our moans percussion live,
your hair the intertwined
feelings now running
through my hand...
Your flower touching mine.

Mirabai, mira
como derretome por ti!

Emotional Patterns


Could I feel any different?

Ephemerality of love


[Heart by resurgere @ deviantart, I couldn't have done a better job ;)]

I do not know why I insist on writing love poems. They are always burned. Words so powerfully diminished by whatever reason... feelings smashed by the hammer of non-reciprocity, implicit thoughts infesting the nest of beauty like cockroaches, the worms make their way deep into the earth of my soft and easy-to-play-with heart, the dark trance manifests its beats in my pulse, my life-partner, she's gone, again.

p0tential



- do u feel the potential of something longlasting and amazingly unique and special happening here? Yeah, but potential is equal to ZERO if you don't put your hands in it (me).

Avocado Mouth





She smells like grass,
earth and rain
in a sunshine day.
She is always singing
to me through her
electrical cords eyes
and talking through
touch and accidental
melting strokes of her hands
(her skin tingles emotions
in my brain).

She eats her avocado with finger tips
and slides her buttery tongue
past her own lips, yeah,
her avocado kiss...

My mind is spinning
like a hoola hoop
all over her waist,
my heart's so loud
she might listen to it.
And if she does
I'll make sure I play all my beats.

(S)urge

Multi-tasking is a Must in the Modern Era



- So what do you do?
- Slash this, slash, slash, slash and slash (all full of herself).
- Oh... and how would you define your work?
- A little of slash, a big part of slash and sort of slash going towards that and slash.
- Oh... amazing... and who are you?
- I/am.

The Collector

(I wrote this poem back in the days when I did not have my chest tattooed, so a while ago hehehe. But I edited it today. So an old pic for an old-new poem. Enjoy!)

.
.
.
You make me touch
your hand for stupid reasons,
you laugh while pressing
my keys,
from my chest gore,
from my mouth filthy smoke;
You came to collect my...

You make me touch
your hand for stupid reasons,
you drink up my patient
and spit suspension around,
from my eyes caves;
You came to collect my...

You make me cling
my jaw for stupid reasons,
you wrap me around the barbed wire
of your warmth,
you kiss me with your teeth,
you wax away my last
hair of humanity;
You came to collect my...

You make me
be in danger for stupid reasons,
I wear the straight jacket you gave me
on our anniversary,
your bracelet stuck to my skin,
the scars close by my forearm
so symmetric;
You came to collect my...
for stupid reasons.

Extra[Ordinary]


I am here

begging for
something extra
to happen,
something extra[ordinary].

In the sky, in the leaves,
in the sheets, on my sleep?

Extra went out
to buy cigarettes
and never came back
to her sweet ordinary.

Hope



I combed my
twisted hair
hoping to
unknot
my thoughts

But my image
reflected on the
mirror
had never
been this dead before.

Modernism

It had finally occurred to me when I got another text: my friends never call. Everything is typed, abbreviated, monotone and intuitive: this is the era where everything is possibly possible.

Oh a text… from one of my friends. I guess it's been two months that I don’t see her… my friend, I’ve been so busy, working like crazy, but hey, we gotta do what we gotta do right? At least now I got some kick ass money… and now what to do, what to do?! I haven’t seen her since last party at Love! And everytime we see one another, we dance… yeah! Our friendship is based on non verbal communication, we just feel it you know? Because the music is too loud, so obviously we can’t really talk… but yeah, so I might buy a new TV with the money I saved! But hold on, I don’t really watch TV. But maybe for my movies, I LOVE movies! But I never watch them by myself because I find it pathetic; I need someone to talk to after the movie. Ah yeah, I understand, too busy for a movie? Well, I’m sure I’ll see you soon!

And if I see her soon it will probably be in one of those random encounters which you act like you missed the person to death but when you really do don’t you express it out, at least?

Damn, everything is so calculated.

Random Thought #3

What's the point of living if not INTENSLY & CONSTANTLY? I feel sorry for those theatrical people who say it was the best time of their lives and they are never around, or those who are always around but are just artificially shallow.

The Girl who Found Cure InTrance


Rays of liquid drums
breeze of strawberry sigh
involuntary movements
of vanilla spontaneity
all over our sky.
I am eating music.

Muscles
tight
against
your thighs
Trance
Beats
Echo
in
me

The water of consciousness
sweating out my pores,
the steps so light
along my path
of endless hope.
I am dancing music.

Sounds of strength
whispering to my veins
"there is always life
there is always life".
We are music,
me and Trance.

Fundamentals of Poetry through a Digital Heart


[Title of my first book soon to come! Actually this poem was written after I started working on my book but I think it contains every single aspect of what my book is about. Enjoy!]
.
.
.
My heart drips
gigabytes of emotional
surreal paint
all over the air
there are non-stop steps
from all different paths
I’ve stamped on,
even from those unknown.
It keeps dripping,
smoke of laughter
and then cry all
those heavy rocks
of pain,
never push rewind,

tic-toc, tic-toc
there’s no time for that
you see, seconds turn
into minutes that turn
into seconds that turn
into days and turn
right here, please,
turn me upside down
then turn me on
and turn the lights off

‘Cause my heart’s still
dripping
a sense of
established
connection
and
data
transferred

‘Cause my heart still
drips.

The Creation of Emotions


2 am.

Should I be sleeping?

Instead I couldn't stop

until I was done,

until the splash

communicated

emotions,

all over the paper,

until forms

blended into

a whole new idea...

The Theory and Practice of Love


[I have over 20 poems I need to post... I just been dedicating myself so much to the creation of a design that I can't keep up with it! Be patient ;)]

.

.

.

I've read so many books,
so many times
the oil of my fingertips
painted Van Gogh
on every header and foot note.

I've read them hysterically so
some words could faint,
so some could be stuck
in my teeth while laughing.

I've touched so many bodies and souls,
so many times
my hands cried
drops of loss and gain,
the same, it might never end.

I've touched them deeply so
some emotions could explode,
so some could build up
like skyscrapers on my tongue.

Have I ever...
Will I ever...
Haven't I already
found it?

True Love Never Dies and Stays Together


[too tired to design something myself, too perfect of an image to bother not being tired to design ;) http://mdaypuck.deviantart.com/art/smoke-7137106]


The flame of love
never burns down:
I lit the cigarette,
passion is ash,
love is smoke,
embracing,
entangled.
Ashtray to dust off
infatuation,
mouth to inhale
what's forever,
our forever,
you like Derrida,
and so do I!
I deconstruct myself
into you, you
contextualize yourself
into me,
I like Jung,
you do too!
How can you deny
bodies moving in sync
(look how easy we fit),
thoughts running through
(perfect timing).
How can you deny
you're the love of my life?
And if you can't,
will you just give
yourself to me?

Secret


Hollow,
I am about
to squeak
soundless shouts
of emptiness,
Hollow,
I'm this
close to
fist, grin,
wrist, razor,
Hollow,
I'm heading,
Hollow,
Low.

I am Lying


What is it good
about it?
I shall tell you
how I write
for people unknown
with such passion
you'd think
we're the happiest
couple
on earth!
How I create rhymes
for endless nights
of crime, so high that
I could never ever rhyme!
How my ink is so
RED
there's no other
logical explanation
rather than
I killed someone!
I know you almost
spontaneously died
out of breath,
out of words for
those verses.

But you can't
be a poet
if you can't lie,
and I lie,
like no other,
in the end,
what's a circus
without a magician?

Natural State of Freedom


I tripped on her,
I fell on you
In #M27

How louder touch,
Lips, eyes, breath
Are
Louder than
My thoughts
Of tripping on
Her and falling
On you

Fearing not
My natural
State of freedom:
(Flip this 90ͦ CCW)

The city, the buildings,
This sidewalk, you are,
We are, all one,
The lights, the rotten smoke,
The piss and trash,
That lovely grass,
You are, we
Are all
One

Arms open to
Freezing wind,
Chest upright
To the uknown

Did you say forever?
Ever lasts all seasons
Not only Fall.

Dear, who would die
To have the courage
To live like I do?
And who would
Kill for a change?
Who dares to
Live for
Heartbeats
Pulsing sun rays of
Alive alive alive...

In my voice
Baby
(that I don't speak)
In your voice
Baby
(that you tremble)
Can you tell?
There's love there
Can you tell?
Love
Live
Feel
Free

Ihre Energie. Meine Energie.




Please, read the following for this text is the first of a set of 2!




[Lots of photoshop later... I finally was satified = ]




Introduction:




Lately I've been writing less to say more. People are like "are you in lack of words or something?" I suppose they think "is this 6-line thing really a poem?" Well, I'm always trying to say something, even when I don't:




Energy She There Me Here Me There Blush Stroke Smile Forgetit Don'tforgetit Myex Yourex Youandme? Anotherdrink Sit Play Music Talk Poetry Feel Feel Feel Reason Reason Reason Reasonandfeeling? Opposites Complementary Zodiac Ascendant Surprise Notreally Synchronicities Fuck Coincidences Balance? We'retrying! Cheerstolife Cheers Tomeetingyou Movies Trips Parties I'mlosingmymindstaringathereyes Touch I'mreallygonnalosemymindifshejusthappenstotouchmeagain NO IDEA Wish Wish Icouldtellher 12:12 Makeawish: Rain Drops Fall... I gotta leave before I fall.

Meine Energie in ihrig. Ihre Energie in meinig.




Set of 2, Part 2

Energy She There Me Here Me There Blush Sit Listen Cigarette Urgh Alright Directions Foreign! So So Pretty Help Icanhelp You Blush Talk Talk Talk Talk Bar? Yeah! Blush And that feeling of being completly Naked You'remaking Me Feel Naked Girl If Only You Knew... KISS... Energy SheHereMeHereWithHerSheWithMeUs Thus Forget it! Let's Go You and I Zodiac Who Cares Music Oh YEAH! Scientist? Geez I'm an artist, Forget It! I'llpaintyourbodywithbeautifulmolecularshapes She Smiles I Smile SheI Ishe She I IShe I am not losing my mind, girl, I am finding it. Rain Drops Fall, I grabbed her hand to let myself fall...

Dialogue about a Past with Present Syndrome


- Why do you still cry and have jealousy panic attacks and want to kill her and forget her and be with her and love her? It's been 1 year already! One year... Do you honestly think if you two were together now she would make you happy?

- (and I had totally forgotten about the happiness part) No.

- You dare to call this love buddy? I suppose we're pretty fucking selfish-egocentric ourselves.

- And maybe you have a too idealized concept of love, buddy.

State of Emergency


The red button
begs to be touched.
I need it now
(to cause fire?).
But isn't it
supposed to fight fire?
Destruction and
construction
in the same choice.

Mrs. President,
it's time to make a decision.

Random Thoughts #2


The taste of friendship: like chewing everlasting Duracells.

Random Thoughts


[I was going to post one of my designs but I love this one SO bad and it's just great anyways! Original link http://ridgeviewxkid.deviantart.com/art/Lies-He-Comes-23715184]
.
.
.
I'd rather have you shock me with truth than offend my intelligence with your lies.

The Power of Choice


Soy milk creamy skin
against mine;
black beer wavy hair
stroking my face,
spilling abstract communication;
the weight of our bodies
so right.

Our hands play the piano
of curves,
we play like we know it,
like it's not the first time.

Our lips compete against
kisses and moans.
Two bodies lay naked
next to one another,
and on the next day kisses
are between sex and love,
connection or fear
(walk away or stay),
everything or nothing...
could it just be something?

The Unheard is Sweeter


If I had words

I would write

sentences of cinnamon

vanilla across your skin

but for now I choose

the silence of my hand

in your hand

whispering those

unwritten words,

weightless and timeless.

Go Green, Throw Yourself in the Trash Can or Throw Someone Else, a Chronicle


[Chronicle certain to be reedited in the future, hope you enjoy it, as well as the design to it!]


Go Green, Throw Yourself in the Trash Can or Throw Someone Else, a Chronicle


Have you ever shared the same feeling as I do now when you, a very good and respectful citizen (not always, not never), was putting your recycled trash in the trash can? The feeling may start going through your head only when you’re actually cleaning your filthy garbage but eventually, trust me, it will run marathons in your mind at any time of the day. That was how it happened to me.
This rainy morning, I put aside all my paper and plastic and cans and all that same ordinary ritual. As I was dropping one of the bags, anticipating the drummy sound of bag hitting metal trash can, there was no sound: it fell in slow motion and silent. And then the epiphany! No, not that everything is recyclable but that everything is disposable and that many of these things are indeed recyclable.
That thought kept me uneasy the whole day and it only got worse throughout the years. For instance: I met this girl the other day and I completely identified her as being a recycled product of Marianne (my ex) because she had almost all the same physical features, mixed with some materials of Jessica (one night stand) who was extremely psychotic. Really, a total recycled material, of course that wasn’t going to work out, thus: trash can. Easy, it’s easier than a 1, 2, 3-step, it’s a 2-step program, you just throw it away. And that not only with one or two people but a WHOLE bunch of them…
It is freaking CREEPY to be aware of all this recycle-self-awareness that has been going around nowadays! If only people knew how bad it can be to recycle, they wouldn’t be throwing campaigns about it around now, would they? “Go green”, “Recycle!”, my ass!
Two weeks ago I went to a job interview, the same old questions, the same old memorized answers, the basic formal ceremony of acting and the result, another mediocre job, another pattern kept in my trash can. I guess I can’t seem to get enough of drinking the same milk because baby, these boxes of non-progress in my life won’t just leave. See, recycled, they may change a little but they are all the same, although you try to throw them away, they persist, they endure in being part of your trash.
God knows when I met this cute guy, very different package than any other I set aside, in fact, he was a lot like me, and that obviously made me act all retard and wanting to be near him because let’s face it, I NEVER find people who are at my level, they are always wearing these weird inferior packages so they end up recycled. But this guy… well, he never called again, although we had a wonderful time, but none of that matters because everything is disposable and you can always recycle.
And that is not a bad thing… sometimes it’s better to get a recycled material rather than a non-recycled one… it makes us appreciate what we had before in a different context, and the context is everything.
Too bad sometimes we never know when to stop recycling or throwing things away.

 


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