Love Poem

I write to self-punish,

I don't write to self-punish,

when I work out,

I make sure my body aches,

aches until I can feel

self-punishments

of fat, bone,

muscles and sweat.

When I eat, every bite's

a calorie counted

and when I swallow

ingredients are well known,

when my stomach is empty,

its growl is my self-punishment

of how little I have grown.

The books I read, self-punishment

for ignorance,

my openness, self-punishment

for years of reclusion,

my love, self-punishment for my

lack of

self

love;

the girls I date, self-punishment for

loneliness,

the guys I date, self-punishment for

the indifferent and playful girls I date,

sex, self-punishment for making love,

making love, self-punishment

for being skeptical

(and why do I always prove myself wrong?)

drugs, self-punishment for being

way too sober,

music, self-punishment to silence,

loving you, just another self-punishment.